Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Houston, we have a blender
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
