I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
