I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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