My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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