you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
