I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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