I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
