Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
