I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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