I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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