when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.