I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.