Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Too much gin, very little bucket
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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