Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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