he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I touched a dick in church today
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
