dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
