The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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