I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
