so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
