My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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