This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
