hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
