last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
