life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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