Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
