Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need water and some morals
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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