had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
