At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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