How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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