I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
