I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
