matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
