just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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