My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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