every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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