its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
