Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
