Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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