Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
