Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
