Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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