I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
