a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
