The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
