I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
