If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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