She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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