we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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