I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
