dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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