im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
