I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
