Just took my morning after pill in the library
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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