Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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