Absence makes the cock grow harder.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
