if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
