I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I will pee on everything he values.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
