hotel room ftw
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
