I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
