I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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