I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
