Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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