My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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